I’m not controlling about everything. Just what I eat, when and how much I exercise, how my house looks, how I spend my time, and the exact ratio of French Vanilla to Nutter Butter frozen yogurt I prefer.
Of course, there are many reasons why being a control freak isn’t an ideal way to go through life — the biggest probably being that we’re not actually in control of most of the things that happen to us, a truth I stumbled upon quite literally when I wiped out during a workout last month and got a nasty concussion.
As I wrote on my Facebook page shortly after the accident, “Doctor just told me not to work / do stuff on my computer as my concussion is still hurting my head… Okay Universe… I hear you.”
That was true. I did hear the Universe. But that doesn’t mean I was happy about it.
The part of the past month that’s been the hardest for me has been the no exercise thing. I’m a 7-days-a-week workout girl. Running and circuit training is my meditation, my therapy, and my social life all rolled into one. Plus, working out is a critical factor in my food intake / weight maintenance equilibrium. Toss out the exercise, and my personal ecosystem is completely out of whack. For a control freak like me? That’s scary stuff.
Still, I didn’t have a choice. Anytime I exerted myself too much my head hurt. I was scared enough from the accident to know I didn’t want to rush things and risk another injury. Slowing down could only be achieved by slowing down.
So I did.
And now here I am, a month later, starting over.
I went out for my first real solo run two days ago, a three-mile loop through the neighborhood with decent hills. After about a quarter-mile, I was beyond winded. When I reached the top of a hill around mile 2.5 I was practically wheezing. And part of me was still freaking out. Thoughts like, I’ll never get back to where I was and There’s no way I’ll be ready for the Ragnar race at the end of July were fighting for my attention.
But the other part of me was happy to have been able to go for a run at all, grateful to be healthy enough to do it. That part of me was thinking, It is what it is and I’ll take it one step, and one day, at a time and go from there.
That’s what starting over is all about, right? Being okay with where you are, being willing to suck at it, and knowing the journey’s worth it in the end.
And maybe that’s the lesson the Universe had in store for me. Not necessarily to slow down, but to let go of a smidgen of control and be okay with that.
Okay Universe … I hear you.